Mission: Implausible

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Did She Self-Destruct In Five Seconds?

An extreme lack of sex, Suzanne Schlosberg discovered, can cause you to do some crazy things. Among her more astonishing responses to the Streak was what she called "Mission: Implausible," a six-month-long attempt to develop both altruistic instincts and practical skills. "I wanted to see if I could make a difference in the world without self-destructing in five seconds," Suzanne announced back in 2000, at the start of M:I. The mission took Suzanne to seven volunteer projects, from Nebraska to Alaska to Papua New Guinea.

You'll find an abbreviated account of M:I in Chapters 18 and 19 of The Curse of the Single Table. There - with the benefit of hindsight - Suzanne takes a fresh look at her motives. Although M:I ostensibly grew out of her desire to find fulfillment without benefit of a man, she came to realize that the mission probably had more to do with ducking her family's frenzied preparations for her younger sister's wedding. This little detail, however, didn't keep Suzanne from giving her all when she volunteered to, among other things, help build a Habitat for Humanity house, participate in a behavioral study of chimpanzees, work on the support crew of a wheelchair race, teach Chinese school children and campaign for a congressional candidate. Maximum effort, however, didn't assure even minimum success, as Suzanne discovered time and again. "Who knew it was so tough to hammer a nail?" She says. "Or, for that matter, to keep a tank of gas filled up."

Did she self-destruct? You can decide for yourself. For a raw, uncensored account of Suzanne's M:I misadventures, go to www.missionimplausible.com.

Articles bout M:I

Suzanne's attempts to be useful didn't go unnoticed. Here are excerpts from just a few of the newspaper and magazine articles written about Mission: Implausible.

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THE LINCOLN JOURNAL STAR: Can a restless California Valley girl make herself useful? That's the question freelance writer, health and fitness book author and free spirit Suzanne Schlosberg posed last July to herself and her faceless Internet followers on her Web site, "Mission: Implausible."

And that's the question Hartley Elementary School teacher Becky Tegeler answered with such sincerity that Schlosberg knew from the minute she read the first-year teacher's e-mail that she would spend her final mission making herself useful in Tegeler's classroom. "Come to our school for a week," Tegeler wrote. "Try to help writers who are 10 years old and still can't spell, and reach the very gifted kids who bore easily while the rest are trying to figure out what cursive letters look like. Experience first hand poverty in Middle America, the last place people think to help out when they want to really 'do something.' You would be more useful here than perhaps anywhere else in the nation."

For Schlosberg, it was the ultimate challenge. So last week, Schlosberg worked with Tegeler's fourth- and fifth-grade students - teaching them the secrets of being a good writer, offering an extra set of hands to Tegeler, an extra set of eyes and ears to attention-craving kids and just generally making herself useful. Very useful, according to Tegeler.

"Oh, I'm not Mother Teresa," responded a self-deprecating Schlosberg during a recent break in the classroom hubbub. But then again, she's no George Costanza, either, the annoying and generally useless sidekick of Jerry Seinfeld in the now defunct sitcom "Seinfeld." Visitors to her Web site get to read her stories about her volunteer efforts and rate them on her "do-good meter" ranging from 1 (Costanza) to 10 (Mother Teresa). On average, her volunteer efforts land her somewhere between. "I have some moments," Schlosberg said.

NO MOTHER TERESA Suzanne scored the best on the Nebraska mission, with an 8.5 average. Her ratings on the chimpanzee research projects weren't so stellar.

. . . With money running out and a real need to get back to work, Schlosberg decided to make her last mission a contest. On her Web site she invited followers to write in 200 words or less why they should receive "Free Suzanne" for an all-expense paid week of usefulness. She got 51 letters from 21 states. Tegeler's e-mail was among the first to arrive. "In her letter she sounded so dedicated to her kids and so sincere," recalled Schlosberg.

Tegeler had just happened upon Schlosberg's invite while reading People magazine. Tegeler says she rarely buys People, but had grabbed the celebrity-filled publication for its cover featuring singing sensation Ricky Martin. She figured Schlosberg would find a challenge in Hartley's temporary classrooms in the State Fair Park Exposition Building - affectionately dubbed the "giant baked potato" because of its silver tin foil-like insulation on the ceiling walls. Just before Christmas, Tegeler received an e-mail from Schlosberg, "You won me," it said.

Not only did she win Schlosberg, she won a place in the do-gooder's heart. Schlosberg was so touched by Tegeler's descriptions of impoverished students coming to school without food in their stomachs, good shoes on their feet and warm jackets on bitterly cold days, that she invited her Web followers to make themselves useful, too. They did. Schlosberg received $1,120 from her fans and friends. Last Thursday after school, Schlosberg and Tegeler went shopping for the students.

THE BIRMINGHAM NEWS: Suzanne Schlosberg means well. She really does. She'll be the first to tell you that a Valley Girl grows up learning few skills that come in handy when she's trying to hammer nails in Papua New Guinea or categorize chimp behavior in Ellensburg, Wash.

So Schlosberg, 33, isn't the ideal candidate for a philanthropic trek that lasts six months and attempts to aid organizations in half a dozen varied, sometimes rugged spots around the globe. Normally, she spends most of her time writing books and freelance articles. Watches lots of television. Lifts weights and rides a bike. Chats with friends over the occasional Frappuccino in Los Angeles. In background and temperament, she ain't no Mother Teresa.

But that doesn't stop Schlosberg from trying to become a better person. She wants to change, stretch her perspective, do some good in the world. Schlosberg is now a little closer to Mother Teresa status after engaging in a project she calls Mission: Implausible.

Simply put, she used 256,808 frequent flyer miles and more than $15,000 of her own savings to travel to places that nee help with charity tasks. "I have tried my best to be useful," she says. That's a considerable understatement, and it certainly doesn't reflect Schlosberg's determination, enthusiasm or self-deprecating sense of humor.

To get a sense of these, you must look at the Web site chronicling her adventures. Were suffering and hardship part of the agenda for this inexperienced, sometimes gawky volunteer? "All I really missed was one Felicity episode," Schlosberg says. "However I had people taping the season finale of Sex and the City."

Seriously, folks, gaps in her TV viewing schedule were the least of Schlosberg's worries. In August, Schlosberg slogged through muddy terrain in the dead of night to get to a bug-infested latrine in Papua New Guinea's Sisi Village. She endured crushing boredom during training sessions for research at the Chimpanzee and Human Communication Institute, survived car troubles and full bladders while trailing disabled racers in Anchorage, and battled severe nausea during a storm-tossed ferry crossing in Morobe Province.

In September, Schlosberg even went so far as to try telephone canvassing and door-to-door stumping for California State Sen. Adam Schiff. But don't consider her motives too altruistic; Schiff's cause made Schlosberg's short list partly because he has the same name as the district attorney on one of her favorite TV dramas, Law & Order.