Suzanne Schlosberg's Really Important Rules For Internet Dating

Lucky for you, I made every Internet dating mistake in the book, so you don't have to!

Over the course of four years on match.com, I went out with more than 50 guys and got a lot better at this Internet dating thing. You know how FBI profilers specialize in identifying serial killers? Well, I came up with my own diagnostic techniques for pinpointing probable boyfriends.

Not that Internet dating is a science — in the end, finding the right person is about luck as much as anything. But if you follow the rules below, I think you'll save time, minimize disappointment, spot trouble and boost your chances of finding a mate.

Suzanne's 8 Simple Internet Dating Rules For Women

It's not that the following tips don't apply to men — for the most part, they do. It's just that there are certain mistakes women are more prone to making.

#1: Seek out potential matches rather than wait for them to e-mail you.

Don't be shy, gals: You've got to make the first move. If you're waiting for Mr. Right to discover your profile — well, you might as well be waiting until the Democrats dominate Texas. That's because guys — bless 'em — are lazy. They'll e-mail practically any woman with two eyes, a nose and a mouth without bothering to ask themselves, "Hmmm, does she have anything in common with me?" It's no mystery why all the couples from "The Bachelor" have split up while Trista and Ryan from "The Bachelorette" have stayed together: When women do the choosing, the odds improve.

#2: Don't lie about anything. Ever.

If you're 40, don't say you're 39. If you're separated from your husband, don't imply you're divorced. Eventually the truth will surface, and the guy is going to be mighty annoyed with your fudging. Wouldn't you be? By the way, this advice goes for pictures, too. Choose a current photo that accurately reflects your appearance, not some babe shot of you from 10 years and 20 pounds ago. (Not that you're not babe-like right now, but you know what I mean.) Just like your mom said, honesty is the best policy.

#3: Don't have more than five e-mail exchanges before either making a date or cutting the guy loose.

Boy, I could write a whole chapter about the perils of extended e-mailing with a stranger. Oh, wait, I DID write a whole chapter — see Chapter 11 of Curse! Suffice it to say: Online chemistry does NOT guarantee in-person chemistry, and you might find yourself entangled in a sticky situation that could have easily been avoided. You might also set yourself up for a crushing blow. So don't pour your heart out to someone you've never met, okay? Within about five e-mails, you should have enough information to determine whether there's the slightest bit of potential. At that point, fish or cut bait.

#4: Don't talk on the phone before meeting.

Pre-date phone calls are a big fat waste of time! Even the most amazing conversation — one that goes on for hours without any uncomfortable pauses — doesn't guarantee an in-person spark. By the same token, a lousy phone conversation tells you nothing, since it's just plain awkward talking on the telephone with a stranger. You may inadvertently end up eliminating a good match. Go straight from e-mail to a date.

#5: Meet for coffee first — no dinners!

If sparks fly, you can always plan a bonafide date. If the meeting is a bust, you'll have only cost yourself 30 minutes and the price of a Frappuccino — and you'll have avoided the agony of making small talk for two hours with a guy who has the personality of a toolbox. I view these coffee dates "pre-dates" sort of like the process of getting pre-approved for a loan: You cover a short list of questions, and you know whether it's thumbs up or down before having to go through the whole rigaramole. Besides, with virtually nothing at stake, you'll be a lot less nervous than you might on a real date, and you won't come away disappointed.

#6: Arrive early, buy your own drink, bring a newspaper and have an exit line.

The dynamics of a coffee pre-date can be strange. You wonder: Will you recognize each other? Who should pay? How do you politely extricate yourself if it's a disaster? You can minimize the weirdness by being prepared. Show up five minutes early, buy your latte, then sit down with some reading material in a spot where you're easily visible. This way you can relax as you wait for your date rather than stand around feeling silly and conspicuous. When he arrives, you'll shake hands, then he'll go off to buy his drink. This scenario buys you some time to process your initial impressions and formulate your first questions.

In case your date turns out to be an obvious mismatch, have a good escape line you can whip out of your back pocket after about 30 minutes. Make it something plausible and concrete, like, "Well, it was great to meet you! I've got to go buy a baby shower gift for my girlfriend before Baby Gap closes."

#7: Change your search criteria every few weeks.

Whether it's the age range, geographical location, eductional status or height of your potential match, loosen your requirements every so often. Even if you think you'd NEVER date a guy who's 5' 7" or didn't graduate from college, you just never know when someone worthy of making an exception might surface. In general, I think it's important to set boundaries; otherwise, you'll spend an excessive amount of time online. But shake things up every so often.

Case in point: me. I stopped e-mailing guys younger than me because I virtually never got responses (men in their early thirties seem to fear that women in their mid-thirties will want to get pregnant on the first date). But one day, just for the heck of it, I dropped my age criteria by one year and found a cute guy who actually e-mailed back. He's now my husband.

#8: Keep your expectations low.

The best thing about Internet dating is that it fills you with hope. You log on and see there are hundreds upon thousands of singles your age. It's even more thrilling when you discover a profile that seems so perfect it's just uncanny. Maybe the two of you grew up in the same town and have the same favorite movie and both love yoga and artichokes and Billie Holliday. Great, but don't read too much into it. You may have to go on dozens of dates before you find a spark, and it can be a big energy drain to repeatedly experience disappointment. If you moderate your expectations low, the worst that happens is you shrug your shoulders. And you might just end up pleasantly surprised.

Suzanne's 9 Simple Internet Dating Rules For Men

Why are there more rules from men than there are for women? Because men need more help, that's why!

#1 Don't send generic e-mails.

You're not hawking low mortgage rates, okay? Do not spam 50 women with the same one-size-fits-all message, like "You seem really great and it looks like we have a lot in common." Don't e-mail a woman unless you can articulate SPECIFIC REASONS why you are interested. For example: "Hey, I loved what you said about hiking the Sierra. I'm a big hiker, too." Also, it's important to include questions in your e-mail to keep the conversation going. For instance: "So do you have any backpacking trips planned? What types of vacations do you like to take?"

#2 Don't brag.

Don't say things like, "I recently paid off my new five-bedroom home and am well on my way to being a millionaire," or "I'm often asked if I'm a model or an actor, but I'm more the writer/intellectual type." Egotism is not attractive!

#3 Reveal something interesting about yourself in your profile.

You're not writing a police report! You've got to offer something more enticing than, "I am a single white male, 5'11'', 165 pounds, brown hair, hazel eyes. I have a home in Gardena and work for a small company in Cerritos. I'm an electrical engineer that designs electrical systems. I grew up in Iowa and moved to Nebraska for college. Well, I guess that's about all for now." What activities do you do for fun? What qualities are important to you in a woman? You get the idea.

#4 Don't say you're looking for a woman who "likes to laugh" or "likes to have fun."

Who doesn't like to laugh? Who hates having fun? You might as well write, "Looking for a woman who breathes air." While you're at it, you can delete all references to "romantic walks on the beach" and your desire to find a woman who is "equally comfortable riding in a limo wearing a slinky cocktail dress as she is watching TV in jeans and a T-shirt."

By the way, what's with this "equally comfortable" business? Why demand equal comfort levels with events that normally take place with radically unequal frequency? What kind of people ride in limos as often as they watch TV? Guys: Keep your profiles more on the level of reality than fantasy.

#5 Don't specify a hair color or — God forbid — a weight limit or breast size that you're looking for in a woman.

You're not shopping for a new stereo, so forget the long list of required features. Try for one minute to focus on a woman's PERSONALITY and INTERESTS rather than her cup size.

#6 Do your homework before a date.

Before each meeting, take a few minutes to glance at the profile of the woman you're going to meet and commit a few details to memory. "So how long have you been practicing law?" is going to go over a lot better than, "So, like, wait — you're a doctor? No, wait, I remember . . . a lawyer!"

#7 Ask questions.

Nothing is more attractive to a woman than inquisitiveness. Instead of blabbing incessantly about yourself, try this: Pretend you're a TV reporter and your job is to unearth enough information about your date to file a segment on the nightly news. Of course, revealing something of yourself is a good idea, but don't dominate the date, okay?

#8 Don't talk about your other Internet dates while on an Internet date.

It's tempting to spend your date talking about how weird this whole Internet dating thing is and recounting your strange dating experiences. Resist the temptation! The focus should be on you and the woman who's sitting in front of you (see #5 and #6).

#9 Don't say "I'll call you" if you don't intend to.

In the Internet dating world, there are code words for "I'm not interested" — like "Well, nice to meet you!" or "See you online!" Use these exit lines if you've decided you don't want to see a woman again. Don't give a gal false hope, alright? If you're interested in a second date and she has not offered her phone number, e-mail her the next day and ask for it. Don't ask for her number right then and there; she may feel compelled to give it to you out of a sense of politeness even though she's not interested.