About Suzanne Schlosberg

1001 Nights Without Sex And Other Amazing Feats Of Endurance

© Kevin Kubota

Suzanne Schlosberg is the author of The Curse of the Singles Table: A True Story of 1001 Nights Without Sex, chronicle of a dry spell that lasted longer than the Kennedy administration.

The Streak isn't the only feat of endurance Suzanne has parlayed into writing gig. Shortly after marrying her lovable, redheaded Streakbreaker, Paul Spencer, Suzanne began a long, elusive quest to get knocked up. The experience spawned The Essential Fertility Log and “I Used an Egg Donor.” Oh, and fraternal twins, Toby and Ian Spencer, born on 7-7-07, one delivered the old-fashioned way, the other via C-section.

For further evidence of Suzanne's fortitude, check out "Double Trouble" her account of tandem-nursing her lactationally challenged boys. The experience, which only seemed to last 1001 nights, prompted Suzanne to collaborate with fellow twins mom Sarah Bowen Shea on The Essential Breastfeeding Log.

Also on the stamina front:“Extreme Potty Training: A Diary” and “How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Marriage”.

When she’s not writing about prenatal hemorrhoids, infant vomit or toddler tantrums, Suzanne is busy informing exercisers about the latest ways to strengthen their glutes. Suzanne is the author of The Ultimate Workout Log and coauthor, with Liz Neporent, of Fitness for Dummies and Weight Training for Dummies. Another recent collaboration: The Ultimate Diet Log, written with Cynthia Sass, MA, RD, creator of the New York Times bestseller Flat Belly Diet!

The latest from Suzanne: The Good Neighbor Cookbook, quite the ironic project for someone who has befriended numerous night managers at Baja Fresh. Alas, Suzanne did not create the recipes for the book, leaving that to her fabulous collaborator, Sara Quessenberry.

Suzanne is a mediocre cyclist, a collector of books on the O.J. Simpson trial, and an enthusiastic member of Bend’s Temple Beth Tikvah and Central Oregon Families with Multiples. She is in awe of parents who have potty-trained triplets.

The Streakbreaker And Webmaster

Paul Spencer. Most men in their right minds would eventually head for the nearest exit after learning their new girlfriend: 1.) had racked up a streak of 1,000+ days of unintentional celibacy, 2.) was writing a tell-all book about the extremes she went to in order to end that streak, and 3.) was planning to put him in this book. So obviously it says a lot about Paul that he stuck around. Perhaps it says even more that he actually married Suzanne.

Not that Paul hasn't benefited from joining her family, as he delineated in his "Top Ten Advantages to Marrying a Schlosberg," probably the first PowerPoint presentation ever to be shown at a wedding reception. Among the advantages on his list: "#8: Family thinks I am a genius for having the know-how to change a light bulb"; and "#7: Minimal pressure to get a job since nobody else in the family has one."

Though Paul confesses to being nervous about how he would be portrayed in The Curse of the Singles Table, he decided "it didn't turn out as embarrassing as I had expected." Suzanne now likens her husband to the "normal" one on The Munsters. A website designer and computer fix-it guy professionally known as Paul The Computer Guy, he is the technological wizard responsible for this site.

Paul is also officially in charge of bathing his children, having told Suzanne, "You can't even wipe the kitchen counter clean. You think I'm going to trust you with the boys' bottoms?" 

The Spencer Twins at 3

Ian Levi Spencer. A wily redhead with his own agenda, Ian operates at warp speed, entirely on instinct, and usually without fear or shoes, no matter how cold the weather. He proudly sports a gap tooth, having banged his mouth into a railing at age 2, spitting out a central incisor. A tyke of conviction, Ian stands his ground even when his opinion flies in the face of facts. (“Ian, your undies are on backward.” “No! NOT backward.”) Though Ian often refuses to get dressed or get out of the bathtub, he always agrees to wear his bike helmet, a.k.a. his “motorcycle helmet,” whether “mountain biking” in the yard or barreling downhill on his Strider. Ian enjoys running laps at Baja Fresh, performing cannonballs in the tub, identifying excavators and backhoe loaders, and reading books about handcuffed criminals. More than anything, Ian loves getting bedtime noogies from Daddy.

Toby Russell Spencer. Toby does nothing in haste, whether he’s eating a sandwich, measuring out toilet paper or preparing for the next bowling frame. Toby meticulously folds his towels, insists on wearing shirts and shorts that match and scolds his mom when she sweeps the kitchen floor without lifting the rug. A born suck-up, Toby narcs on his brother for turning on the shower, failing to clear his plate and other infractions. A cooking enthusiast who enjoys roasted beets and fresh figs, Toby is territorial in the kitchen, often knocking his brother off the cooking stool. Though Toby demands to get dressed “all by all by self,” his independent streak disappears after hours, as Toby frequently stops to wake his parents’ at 3 a.m. en route to the potty. Toby doles out smiles and hugs and always says “Bye-bye” — to family members, his pee-pee and the fresh produce at Safeway.

The Supporting Cast: The Schlosberg Family

They're loud. They're loopy. Their mantra is "the brisket was undercooked." Suzanne is related to every single one of them, but don't hold that against her. Here are the key players, all of whom you can read more about in The Curse of the Singles Table.

Grandma Honey. At 86, she purchased her first iMac; at 91, she published her first book, Waddle and Jumbo: A Tale of Two Ducks. Now 93, Grandma Honey cranks out stories for her weekly nonfiction class. Recent topics: why today's toothbrush packaging is "so darned hard to open" and "Why don't pants have pockets anymore?" You can read these stories on Grandma's own website, gmahoneyk.com. Known for speaking her mind, Grandma Honey called Suzanne on her 31st birthday and said, "I hope you get married while I'm still alive." Update: Grandma Honey passed away, shortly after celebrating her 69th wedding anniversary with Grandpa Julius.

Grandpa Julius. At age 93, Grandpa Julius enjoys discussing the NASDAQ, the Los Angeles Lakers and the dosages of his laxatives, diuretics and glaucoma medications. He has never missed an opportunity to belittle a busboy or parking attendant ("he don't know his ass from his elbow"), dispense unsolicited advice ("nothing's so bad that it couldn't be worse"), or offer snap assessments to his last single granddaughter ("You know, 31 is older than 30"). Update: Grandpa Julius passed away four months after Grandma Honey's death, but not before complaining that his soup was too cold.

Grandma Ruth. She's gone now, but impossible to forget. At 85, she was cruising L.A.'s freeways in her Oldsmobile, delivering documents as a law-firm messenger. At 89, she gave up driving and smoking, allowing more time for her primary hobbies: playing Scrabble and criticizing her grandchildren. Grandma Ruth adored blackjack and the Sizzler's blue Jello but disapproved of most everything else, especially exercise, politics, credit cards, four-door sedans and Israeli accents.

Judy Schlosberg. Suzanne's mother has passed along her kitchen know-how and sense of style to her elder daughter, which means Suzanne can neither cook nor properly dress herself without her father's assistance. Judy may not be able to whip up a souffle or know the difference between Perry Ellis and Perry Como, but she is the world's most organized human being and a devoted wife, mother and grandmother, who always comes equipped for babysitting duty with age-appropriate Hebrew songsheets.

Carl Schlosberg. A fine art dealer and connoisseur of flowers and rare antiques, Suzanne's father thinks on a grand scale but also is attentive to the smallest details. He is an optimist, a gambler and, above all, a man who never lets a little work get in the way of a vodka in the garden. Partial to Panama hats, wing-tip shoes and herringbone blazers, Carl often gets upgraded to First Class when he travels simply because he looks the part. Carl was the first, and only, visitor to take his infant grandchildren on art-appreciation tours of the house.

Jennifer Schlosberg Lehr. Suzanne's younger sister has more careers than most people have dress shoes. In addition to being a mom to Jules and Hudson, she's an interior designer and a graphic designer who specializes in custom coffee-table books. She also writes an advice column about sex and relationships for www.fearlessvoices.com and is the author of the provocative memoir, Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex. According to the jacket, the book chronicles Jennifer's "quest to find true love and steamy sex — all in the same package." Two sisters, two memoirs about sex. Read the books, and you'll see the comparisons end there.

John Lehr. Jennifer's husband is probably the only actor in L.A. to have secured a callback while undergoing a ritual circumcision for his conversion to Judaism. He explained it all in his brilliant one-man stage show, A Series of Comedic Lectures. John is currently starring as Leslie Pool (pictured) in "10 Items or Less," a half-hour improvisational comedy series on TBS. John plays Leslie Pool, a grocery store manager who is even funnier and more annoying than Larry David in "Curb Your Enthusiasm." You may - or may not - recognize John as the ubiquitous Geico Caveman.